Shannon at a Conference

Well, I've needed to update for a LONG time. And I still really don't want to, but let's see what I can do. About a month ago an article came out titled "Adrian Peterson's Son's Death Shouldn't Be Just Another Brain Injury Statistic." Obviously, the title intrigued me, so I read it. The statistics towards the end of the article astounded me. The statistics are, "Every 40 seconds, another American youth enters an Emergency Department with a new brain injury (over 765,000 ED visits each year); More than 80,000 American youth are hospitalized due to a brain injury each year; More than 11,000 American youth die due to a brain injury each year; Approximately 1,300 American infants suffer a severe or fatal brain injury from child abuse each year (it is estimated about 75-85 percent of all brain injuries are not labeled "severe" or "fatal")." This inspired me to make a change; to become a TBI advocate. Little did I notice however, that the statistics from the article on Adrian Peterson's son only focuses on youth. For example, it's not simply over 765,000 each year in total, it's over 1.7 MILLION new TBIs each year in total. Right around the time that I had started doing all of this research, my English professor told my class of an extra credit opportunity that we could attend. We could go to a Conference, held by the school, write a report on one of the sessions we attended and turn it in to get extra credit. The topic of the Conference was "Writing for Social Change." The due date to speak at the conference was in less than 48 hours, but I decided that I was going to submit a proposal. "The Writing for Social Change Conference focuses on the power of writing to change the world. Participants include UVU students and community members who submit academic research and creative writing on social change - including issues of the environment, poverty, globalization, and immigration."
I got accepted to speak at the conference and so I started gathering more research and preparing a presentation on Traumatic Brain Injuries. I worked super hard on this presentation to get it just perfect. Because of my previous debate experience, at first I really didn't think it was a big deal. But as I continued talking to people, I began to realize that it was a Conference, at a University, which means that it kind of was a big deal. At least that's what I thought until I got there and listened to the other students' speeches. For one reason or another (lack of research, just complaining, etc) in response to everyone before my hour I thought, "Are you freaking kidding me??" 
My hour was much better. The two students that presented before me had much better argumentation. Everyone who has spoken to me said that the first one had only facts, and the second had only stories, but I had a perfect combination of the two. I also had a power-point presentation whereas the other two did not. I worked on this presentation FoReVeR! 
That was on the 15th of November. Since then, my life has gone to family only. 

How to Help Someone with Depression

“If you had appendicitis, [any one] would expect you to …get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders.” (Holland) Some of the things that I will write on this post apply to anyone and everyone, but you must understand that it is amplified if you have depression. Furthermore, you must understand that it doesn’t matter how right what you’re saying may be, the person with depression has an entirely different perception of reality, so what may seem obvious to you, may seem like a fantasy to them. Likewise you may have had depression and something may have worked for you but you must understand that depression affects each individual, individually. Finally, don’t give up on them; one day they will be able to find happiness and you both will be so grateful if you stuck by them (Miller).

Things you should NEVER say to someone with depression:

1.       It’s really not that bad. / It could be worse.
2.        Count your blessings! / Look at all the good in your life.
3.       It’s never helpful to tell them to do something, as counterintuitive as that may seem, it honestly just makes the person with depression really frustrated. Don’t tell them to do something like, go for a walk, exercise, do something productive, pray, read your scriptures, etc.
4.       Things will get better.
5.        Do not EVER make promises if you don’t plan on follow through.
6.       It’s all in your head. While that may be true, it is because of imbalance of biochemicals in the brain, which means telling us this will not change anything.
7.        Stop being crazy/stupid.
8.        Smile or Just be happy!
9.        It’s ultimately your choice, You just have to choose to be happy, etc

“But today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively.” (Holland)

10. Finally do NOT EVER pretend like you know their life or their challenges. You can say that you can relate, and explain, but do NOT ever say “I know exactly how you feel.”

Things you should do to help someone with depression:

1.       Tell them the honest truth, especially if it is regarding them. This (honesty) may just be something that only I find very valuable, but believe me that at least if it is concerning how someone comes across to others or a characteristic that makes people run, everyone wants to be informed of these things.
2.        Offer help ANYTIME. But only if you mean it, goes back to don’t make promises if you don’t plan on follow through. Often times people struggling with depression, don’t know what kind of help they need, but they need to know that there are people there if they did need some.
3.        Always be a listening ear. Don’t try to fix their problems when they tell you everything. Just listen. Just be there.
4.        Tell them that you don’t understand. You can tell them that you wish that you did, but it is so meaningful when you hear someone say, “gosh, that’s really rough, I have no idea what that’s like.”
5.        Talk to them like they are a totally normal person. 100% of the time. Even when they are being crazy, treat them like anyone else.
6.        Find something they enjoy and do it with them often. (For example, I love football, if I had a group of friends offer to play football with me on a weekly basis, I would be so down for that, but when someone tells me to exercise at least 3 times a week, I want to tell them to fall in a ditch.)
7.        Tell them that they are okay, good, pretty, etc more times and more times than you think should ever be necessary. If you think you’ve already told them, doesn’t matter; tell them again. Tell them you enjoy them. Continue to tell them constantly. It probably will seem annoying; it may seem repetitive, but it will keep them sane.
8.        Similar to the last, be extremely (to the point that you probably think it’s obnoxiously) present in his/her life. This does not mean that you need to spend every waking second with them. It does not even mean you need to see them every day, or week. No, this means, just call them once in a while to check in, send them a text, a facebook message, something that lets them know that you are thinking about them. Or, for some of the insane cases, (like myself) that lets them know that you are still alive.
9.        If you want them to do something more, compliment them on it when they do it. For example, if you really like how they go out of their way to help others, tell them and they will do it more.

Finally, please, just stay by the person with depression’s side. Stand by them when life hits them hard; because as human beings, we often overestimate everyone else. We think that if we disappear, they’ll have so many others, but take it from firsthand experience. That is not the case! Do whatever you can to prove to them that you will be there for them no matter what. 

Please

Please, help me become a better person.
Please don't abandon me.
Please don't leave without any explanation.
Please, stay with me, help me correct my wrongs, teach me how to do things right, please.

Please show me why I did NOT get 100%, instead of why I DID get 93%.
Please teach me how I can do better.
Please stay by me when life gets tough, not simply when life is perfect.

Please stop trying to push me around.
Please don't cut off support if I do or do not do something.
Please just be my friend.
Please be a listening ear, be a shoulder to cry on, because you know that I'll always be that for you.

Please help me stand when I am weak.
Please let me help you when I'm feeling strong.
Please, teach me what I can work on.
Please help me improve myself.

Please, don't make this a one-way street.
Please give a little if you're going to take a lot.
Please, reach out to me, don't make me have to crawl, to beg for your help.
Please, when I'm doing okay, please, let me help you. Please know that I am okay and the best medicine of all is to help other people.

Seeking

I found this poem that I had surprisingly written before the accident. Crazy how much it applies again today.

Seeking
Darkness.
Black.
Lost.
Gone.

Need Light.
Purity.
Acceptance.
Home.

Seeking.
Seeking these things.
Seeking me.

Where am I?
Where have I gone?
I am not here.
Only darkness.
Black.
Lost.
Gone.

Seeking.
I am seeking.
Seeking for joy and happiness.
Seeking for me.

The Shannon Way

So I've always thought that my blog wasn't supposed to be about my life necessarily, just about my recovery. That's why all of my posts and stuff have only been about surgeries and stuff like that. When I talked to my aunts today they said that I needed to post about some of the recent events in my life. I knew that that was true because some of it does relate to my recovery, but when I was retrieving pictures from my phone, I realized how out of the loop you blog-readers are! So, today I will inform you of a little bit more than I normally do.
First, we should jump back to before the surgery on May 3rd for just a second. In April, I was able to meet my entire immediate (siblings, in-laws, and children) family in Florida for a family reunion of sorts. This was so much fun! And although I was in between medical procedures, that did not stop me from getting all my nieces and nephews together to have a blast!

glow stick dance party

Chad's kids at Disney World

 

 Also, my mom says I'm really good at taking cute pictures of her and my dad with their grandchildren, but I don't think it has anything to do with me, just with how cute they are with them!

Lilly, Tonya and Gus

Then I told you how the surgery went. What I did not tell you however, is that once again, I decided that I was going to try college again. I don't know if I told you all before of the challenges I had when I tried to go to BYU before, but it was a total disaster. The biggest reason for this however, was because it was about a month after a reconstructive surgery. This time I decided to go back to school about 6 weeks after a reconstructive surgery.... Idiot, right? Yeah. But this time, I pulled it off. This time I had an incredible professor, Dr. David Bringhurst, who had worked with TBI victims in the past although this was his first time being a professor. So we worked together and I freaked out over tests. The midterm I only got an 82% on and so I was freaking out for the final. But with much study, not only did I get the highest grade on the final (49/50 = 98%) but I also got the highest score in the class as a whole (102.4%). So yes, this time I not only succeeded, but I excelled, the Shannon way.
The week after school got out, I was running around being a bridesmaid for my cousin, Ashlee. Then the day after her last shindig, I got on an airplane to go visit my brother in North Carolina. In North Carolina I brought all kinds of crafts to do with my nieces and nephews. Below are some of the pictures of the fun times we had. The picture in the middle is a picture of some sun-catcher monkeys that we painted for my sister's baby shower which I hosted the day after I got home. So I have been running around like crazy for the past few weeks, and I don't get to stop because school starts again in 2 days.

Deepest Despair

Well, it's official. I have ultimately reached my all-time low of all lows. For me that actually is saying A LOT. I am more discouraged, depressed, and hopeless than I've ever been. And nothing that anyone has to say can fix it. I have no reason to post this. But then again, I have no reason not to. So goodbye.

Stay

Over the past 4 weeks, while I've been recovering from major surgery, I've been doing really well. Of course, like everyone else I would still occasionally have my down days, but I started doing a whole bunch of things again. I started heavily on therapies, getting myself prepared to go back to school again, and was doing some amazing things. I decided to invite everyone who has been influential in my life to a gathering at my house where I will start one of the things that I can easily see myself doing for the rest of my life. 

That's irrelevant however. Today I am writing about the challenges I am just beginning to realize. This explains the title of the post. I learned that it seems that any time I leave home things start to get really rough. Even when I am visiting my family - even my entire 22 member family - I still feel lonely. I really don't know how to explain it though because I recognize how wonderful my family is. I just need some connection to home. That or a distraction by some other kids my own age while I'm away. I just cannot handle it when someone blocks me on facebook, someone won't answer my calls, or when I'm going through a meltdown and no one picks up their phone, all while I'm away from home. I just can't handle it. So the reason for the title is that I decided that I just need to stay at home. But then again, really, what is home anymore? I am such a mess.

Surgery one last time!!!!

This is Shannon's dad.  Shannon asked me to make a quick post to let you know what has transpired in the past few days.  In preparation for what we hope and anticipate will be her final surgery, Bishop Wellman and Bishop Wood came over on Wednesday and gave her a blessing.  This really helped reduce her anxieties associated with the surgery and had her ready to go.  I got back in town from a business trip to California Thursday night, and yesterday, May 3, 2013, Pheobe, Shannon and I woke up early and travelled once again to Primary Children's Medical Center for an early morning surgical appointment with Dr. Siddiqi and Dr. Riva-Cambrin, who were doing Shannon's cranial reconstructive surgery.  The surgery involved removing the plates and screws from the last time, and also removing the tissue expanders that had been inserted about 5 weeks ago, and then inserting three synthetic plates over her existing bone to fill in where the bone had resorbed following the earlier surgeries.  Dr. Siddiqi also cut out the scar tissue from the previous surgeries so that he had fresh tissue to stitch together at the end of the procedure.   This was a bit of a pioneering effort for the doctors.  They had done these implants before but never over such a large area.  A 3D rendering had been made of her skull via a CT Scan which allowed the plate manufacturer to follow the irregular contours of her skull on the underside of the plates so that they would fit perfectly.  Dr. Siddiqi gave us a model of the skull and the plates that was really fascinating to see.

The 6-hour surgery went really well.  Shannon's vital signs remained strong throughout and the surgical team did an outstanding job.  Following the surgery she was sent to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU) for the night.  Doctors just made their rounds this morning and are really pleased with her progress.  So we are in the process of moving to the "floor" (probably in the Neuro Trauma Unit) for the duration of her hospital stay.  She has a big turban wrapped around her head to help reduce the swelling and she has a drain in the back of her head to suction off excess fluid from the surgery.  Those will likely be removed tomorrow.  For now the name of the game is pain management and swelling control.  And she is doing well with both.

Thanks for your continued support and prayers.

ALONE

Suffering unbearable pain which torments my burdened heartache. As if I wasn't already in enough physical and emotional pain, why did you, my last friend (not family) have to tell me that I'm not good enough? How am I suddenly not important enough to even talk to? What changed from a week ago when you were telling me that you would do anything for me, where as now, you won't even pick up the phone? I am SO alone. I don't just "feel" this way. I AM this way. I AM SO ALONE.

I want comments. I need comments. I know that I have said not to leave comments before. But that's not exactly true. What I have actually said is that I don't like those fake comments that people naturally leave after reading a blog post as emotional as mine tend to be. I hate fraudulent people, particularly right after you have poured your heart and soul to them. But that does not mean that I don't need responses. That actually means I need responses more! I have next to no outlet to express my feelings. So I turn to my blog. Then after I make a post I check constantly to see if anyone has commented. But of course, no one does, because I asked fake people not to.

So, just to reiterate the questions I am asking. They are simple. There are only two of them. Why am I not good enough to be a part in your life anymore? What happened that suddenly made it okay for you to kick me in the butt?

Imagine that, Jack!

In high school, friends are everything to you. They are truly the most important thing in your life at the time. Try to picture your life back in high school, now try to picture it without all of your friends. That life is what I went through. Imagine that, Jack.
My life was once surrounded by friends and people who adored me. Not so much anymore. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not discrediting those who have stuck by me, I'll name those in a second. I used to have people (MY OWN AGE!) on my mind 100% of the time that I had no time to think about myself. (So don't give me the crap that I need to stop focusing on myself [person's name who I will not insert here]!)  Now I'll address the response of everyone who is reading this. The few of you that are still there, thank you. I love you to death for that. But fact of the matter is, there's too large of an age difference to make up for the pain that has been caused by EVERYONE my own age. Yes, even 5 years makes too much of an age gap. As far as Shireen, Bryson, and Michelle, fact of the matter is that none of you are available enough of the time to make up for all of the pain in my heart.  And to the rest of the people who are my own age who are reading this (if there be any) who say "I'm still here!" BULL CRAP. You haven't been here for me for the past 3 years and you're sure as heck not here for me now. Don't try to pretend that you are. Yes, I know that life gets busy, particularly at this stage in people's lives. I know that people move away, so often times, distance themselves from old friends. I get that, I do. But see the hardest thing, is something that I was discussing with my dear middle-aged friend the other day. When you have overlooked all of their flaws and discrepancies for YEARS and they don't even BOTHER to try to overlook a tiny little mistake that you made, or say an affliction caused upon you. (AKA spending 7 weeks in a hospital) You still love them no matter what. They will always hold a HUGE piece of your heart. While in the meantime, they may have completely forgotten about you. Imagine that, Jack!
Also you are never too busy to send a message, pick up the phone and give a quick 5 minute call. You are never too busy just to find out how an old friend is doing. When you were the kind of person who went out of their way to do that for EVERYONE, and then all of a sudden, no one does that for you. Imagine that, Jack!
 I used to be everyone's best friend, confidant, the center of attention. Then, by the time my senior year rolled around, after I had worked my little brain-injured butt off, do you want to know what I had to show for it? Nothing. Not even a page to show people who had endured medical trials. While everyone else had a special page featuring them, their hobby, their job, their latest trend, whatever! Then at graduation, they recognized someone else, claiming that they had been through the hardest, most difficult trial of anyone. Don't get me wrong, I am not downplaying her physical difficulties at all. But what they didn't do, is they didn't take into consideration anyone who was dealing with the pain of the death of a parent, or a sibling, a divorce, a major heartbreak, or any other emotional loss. They didn't look at anyone who was dealing with any sort of mental/cognitive loss, they didn't look at anyone with any sort of social loss. But worst of all, they didn't look at someone with ALL of those losses. Imagine that, Jack!
Then, going from someone who got oodles of recognition especially while I was in a coma to getting next to none. For example my ex-best-friend took around my yearbook and had "all" of my friends sign it at the end of my junior year and there are probably 30 times more signatures in that yearbook than there are in my senior yearbook. In fact, my ex-best-friend didn't even sign my senior yearbook. Imagine that, Jack!
Oh and that was after I had defied all odds by going back to school at least 3 years before doctors told me I should, taking AP classes which doctors told me I never should, and getting a 4.0 every single term which doctors couldn't even believe. Imagine that, Jack!
Then going in for the 8th surgery on my head alone and still not having anyone who I can call to hang out. Ha, let alone anyone who loves me. Now, I know, I know that you guys, my family and my friends who are totally not may age love me but that's not what I'm talking about!! Now, imagine that, Jack!
Then try to imagine finally learning to come to grips with all of these terrible surroundings, when it all gets worse. Your dear bishop who you have developed such a close bond to, not only gets released but gets called to another calling in a completely different city, so won't even be at your ward anymore! Imagine that, Jack!

P.S. I have to apologize if I am sounding especially rude, cruel, or harsh. It has been a very hard couple of weeks. And no one has been around to support me through any of it.

Ouch.

Let's just give a quick update. Last surgery, about 10 days ago. They expected just to have me in, do a quick hour and a half surgery and send me right home. Didn't quite work out that way. When they brought me out of surgery they asked me what my pain level was, and putting Brian Regan jokes aside, I said 9.5/10. So they put me on different narcotics trying to ease the pain. It didn't get much better. By the time 7:30 or 8:00 rolled around my pain level was still at about 8.5, so they admitted me into the CSU (Children's Surgical Unit) for an overnight stay so that they could get my pain to a more manageable level. I stayed awake all night long. I felt terrible for the nurse because I kept calling her back in to ask her questions about medications, or what kinds of snacks I could have and stuff, but she was great. I think over the course of the night they got me down to pain level 7/10 on oxycodon, but I had also spiked back up to 9.5 throughout the course of the night as well. By about 7 in the morning we had finally started to see some real improvement with some of the pain meds. We had finally felt like maybe we could send me home. So I went home Thursday afternoon. Since The 21st of March I have constantly battled a roller coaster of pain management. It has been especially hard because we are trying to save the really heavy stuff for the times that we know I'm going to be in the most pain. For example, when I go into the hospital again this Tuesday to have the doctors inject more saline into my expanders. While worrying about that, I have also been concerned about not taking loritab too often because loritab has been my go-to medicine when my headaches are really, really bad and NOTHING seems to be able to knock them. And I don't want to have built up a tolerance to loritab as well. But I am still in so much flipping pain. That's about that.

More Brain Surgeries!

I write today to inform anyone who still reads my blog of the upcoming surgeries. I go back to Primary's on Wednesday, (March 20) where they will preform a lesser-degree surgery. This surgery is to place two "expanders" in the back of my head. The purpose for this surgery is to stretch the skin covering my skull. They need this added elasticity for a couple of reasons. One is so that they can stretch it over the synthetic plate which they will be adding to my current skull (I'll explain in a minute). Another reason is so that the surgeon can have extra skin to work with, reducing the risk of infection. And as an added bonus, my surgeon said that he would cut out my original scar, and stitch up where there would not already be scar tissue. (Unfortunately I can't have them give the scar to me.) I then get to put in more saline into these expanders until the next surgery.

The next surgery is scheduled for May 3. This surgery is where they will take care of all of the reconstructive work. First they will take out all of my current plates and screws (which I am getting, don't worry!). They have made a plate of synthetic bone-like-material via a 3D CT scan. So the next step is where they will go in and match that to my skull. This surgery will probably take approximately 6-8 hours. I will then stay at least a couple of nights at the hospital. 

I am hoping that these will be the last two cranial surgeries I ever have to have. Then I feel like I will finally be able to move on and put all of the accident in the past. Because of this, I have been starting to make all sorts of fun plans for after these surgeries. So, yeah, I think that's about it! :)

Where Are You Now?

To my favorite teacher
Told me never give up
To my eigth grade crush 
Who I thought I really loved
To the guys I miss
And the girls I list
Where are you now?
To my ex best friends
Don't know how we grew apart
To my favorite bands
And sing a longs in my car
To the face I see in my memories
Where are you now?

Where are you now?
Cause I'm thinking of you
You showed me how
How to live like I do
If it wasn't for you
I would never be who I am

To my family who prayed without end

To the ones who watched

For every time that I twitched

Where are you now?

To my first boyfriend
I thought for sure was the one
To my last boyfriend
Sorry that I screwed up
To the ones I loved
But didn't show it enough
Where are you now?

Where are you now?
Cause I'm thinking of you
You showed me how
How to live like I do
If it wasn't for you
I would never be who I am

I know we'll never see those days again
And things will never be that way again
But that's just how it goes
People change but I know I won't forget you

To the ones who cared
And who were there from the start
To the love that left
And took a piece of my heart
To the umpteen who'd swear
They'd never go anywhere
Where are you now?

Where are you now?
Cause I'm thinking of you
You showed me how
How to live like I do
If it wasn't for you
I would never be who I am

If it wasn't for you
I would never be who I am
If it wasn't for you I'd be nothing
Where are you now?

Everyday of My Life

"Everyday is a struggle and everyday is just another battle."

After taking a class on grief, and making a graph charting all the things I've lost, I've identified some of the hardest changes from the accident. I LOST: my identity, my respect for people, physical health (in far more ways than imaginable), mental health, trust in people and God, memory, cognitive/academic abilities, physical strength, physical stamina, physical endurance, mental functioning, emotional processing, social abilities,  100% sense of independence, everything spiritual, lifelong hopes and dreams, caring about anything besides people. Anyone understand a little bit better why my life sucks?

"I hate every second that I breathe this air."

 I didn't dream all that much about my future before the terrible day in May nearly 3 years ago. But I had a few things planned out. For example, I was going to get my bachelor's degree (with High Honors nonetheless), then go on a mission and then let fate decide where I ended up after that. And now that they have lowered the age limit on missions, now I can't go on one. Now that I have gone to college, I realize that is no longer part of my playing cards. Worst of all, is that all of people's "encouraging" comments to me, just turn around being extremely discouraging. So please don't leave any "encouraging" remarks.

 "I just breakdown realizing how lonely I am, and that nobody even cares."

I worry constantly about coming on to people too strongly. I worry constantly that people that I meet won't ever talk to me again. I worry about people thinking I'm nothing but a burden to them. These worries go far beyond the "handshake circle" or even "hug circle." These worries trickle into relationships that logically I know will never fail me. Even worse however, is that the reason why I feel so strongly, even with people I trust the very most is because of me. Not only because I have found these things happen in my relationships with people, but also because I never want to hear my own voice again, because I feel like I'm only a burden to myself and everyone around me. This is not who I am. This is not who I want to be.

 "Whenever I think I've found the key to happiness, someone changes the lock."

I don't find joy, or even a slight form of happiness in anything anymore. Things that used to just let me escape, computer, television, music, etc, don't even make a dent in my pain. There are times where I am so sick and tired of all of these mindless activities that I lie, doing absolutely nothing, except just thinking about the only things this accident has left me to think about. When people tell me I'm such a miracle, that I shouldn't even be alive, I don't doubt that fact. Because it's true. I shouldn't have lived. I shouldn't be high-functioning, I shouldn't be able to feel the things I do, if I do by some chance survive, I should only survive as a vegetable. I know all that, I'm not debating any of that. What I will debate is my "strength;" my "willingness to be here." If I had more strength, I wouldn't be here, if I had any willingness to still be here, I wouldn't be writing this post as I lie, completely alone, bawling in bed. I know that I'm a miracle, I just wish that I wasn't. Please don't tell me not to think like that.

"If what I've done isn't good enough for you, feel free to hate me for nothing but loving you."

If there is one quote to pick at this moment to best describe how I'm feeling, it would be the one right above. Easy, without a doubt. I tried to mention this in my post December in 2012, but I'll try to reword it again. It doesn't matter what you do to me, nor how badly I hate you. I will always love you. It's a blessing as some would see it, but with all of the people who don't give a crap about me anymore, it's a curse. One of the worst curses in existence too. Although I love comments, words don't mean anything anymore. Actions speak far louder than words, and if you don't have the guts to back up any promises with actions, it'd be far better you shut yourself out of my life.

Nobody

Once loved, now abandoned. Alone. Empty. She felt dark inside. Dissatisfaction. Hopelessness. She was so unhappy. Despair. Gloom. She had a home, although she felt homeless. Foreign Desolate. Questions began to flow, unceasingly, through her mind. Dissent. Distress The pain was not just from the injury. Agony. Torment. Her confidence had been lost. Indistinct. Insecure. Unbearable torture trying to accept. Coward. Nobody.