How Old Am I Really?

Life is a beast, am I right? Well it's worse when you have an injured brain that cannot accept that anything has happened to it. (And when you are going through 1 pneumonia 2 sinus infection 3 medicine changes 4 lack of sleep 5 extreme fatigue 6 extreme lack of motivation 7 nutritional changes 8 increased abandonment stuff 9 new series of PTSD 10 so many things that I have to deal with my car 11 and insurance 12 vision homework 13 chiropractic homework 14 physical therapy homework 15 terrible self-perception yet nothing I can do about it 16 perfectionist me 17 learning -so hard- 18 new changes in gospel things 19 changes in my parents house 20 the need to get a new hobby 21 the constant battle between Shannon and TBI) Those are all just things going on right now. 

As for the purpose of this post. How old am I? Well you see, that's a very interesting question. 

My parents always say to measure age in miles not years. If that's the answer you're looking for, I'm probably 153. (Idk, random number, but OLD.) 

If you are asking my biological, chronological, since the time I came onto the Earth age, well that's 25. But do I feel it in any way shape or form? 

If you are asking where I am "supposed to be" developmentally, medically, etc. that's a completely separate question. The answer to that would be 8.

If you are asking where I am physically, well I reckon that would be closer to 100 - 8. (92)

How about mentally, cognitively? Oh gosh, I have no idea. I have a college degree, but I struggle to remember what I had for breakfast this morning let alone what I learned in my Chemistry class last semester! 

What about socially or emotionally? Well, I think those are two different things. But socially, probably 8, but everyone thinks I'm 25, which is extremely unfortunate. Emotionally, probably 100 - 8, so 92. 

If you are asking how old I feel? Where my brain thinks I am? That is 16 and may forever stay there. It definitely has since the accident. (Okay, okay, sometimes I feel closer to 17, but I was 16 1/2 when I got in the accident!) I think that my brain cannot move past the age that I was at that time. 

Overall, it is very confusing and very, very conflicting. Everyone who sees me thinks I'm a normal 18-25 year old. Guess what? I'm anything but! I can't even decide how old I am! 

New Year, New Understanding of Me

Over the last month, I've had the opportunity to do a lot of self-reflecting. I have also talked to a number of different people with different specifications, learned more about my favorite subject - the brain, and come to a number of conclusions. So many of them I feel I need to write about because it is very important to the TBI population. One verdict that I've had to come to accept is that I can get them done because I'm Shannon, but it will have to be on a completely skewed (and stupid) timetable because I have a traumatic brain injury, and those who love me can accept that. So I hope that you can deal with the lengthy explanation of this last month as I struggle with all of my daily challenges. 

I think the biggest resolution is my lack of human. Don't get preachy on me. Let me explain, and hopefully you'll come to see how it's actually a resolution and not a "woe is me."

More than half of me really did die on that awful day in May. I can't explain it very well, but pieces that made me who I was were taken from this body. Cells in brain did die that cannot be regenerated. I can't describe it, but I have felt like not all of me is here. I can't access the rest of myself, but I know that I'm not all here. The TBI loves taking charge. And unfortunately, because the brain controls literally everything we do, an injured brain will run most of the show. However, I was blessed (or cursed) enough to have a sliver of the Shannon spirit still lodged in there somewhere. Finally, the last piece of me is all of the terribly difficult work that I do every single day to try to function like a normal person. And let me tell you, it is HARD! But every part of your body wants to heal, including your brain.

This finding has honestly been such a relief for me. It explains so many things that are "wrong" with me. It helps me understand why I do some of the stupid things I do. It explains why I don't have energy to do anything a lot of the time. It reminds me that it's not my fault. It explains why people walked - and still walk - away. It tells me that it's okay not to be the daughter of God I used to be - at least on Earth right now. It seems so strange to be relieved to discover that you're not totally human, but it feels so right. 

What I Wouldn't Give

Throughout high school, you take all sorts of trips to different colleges doing various things. I went to EFY, percussion competitions, debate camp, and debate tournaments. During such a voyage, as a high schooler, you experience the joys of what it would be like to go to college, live away from home, make new friends, live in an apartment/dorm, etc. It is fascinating! Life feels awesome and you just can't wait to get out of the house! ... While I wasn't quite that way, I was always so excited for the next step in life.
From debate trips, I had learned that I LOVED Berkeley. I also thought about BYU-Hawaii. I thought that the "worst" I would do was BYU (Provo). My mindset didn't change after the accident; so of course I still applied to numerous other schools. But despite my outstanding grades and great ACT score, I didn't get in; I was confused. (I now know that I couldn't have handled it and it was God's grace). So I still went to BYU... or attempted to. Long story short, the college life that you imagine, dream about, that truly is out there for everyone simply couldn't happen for me.
So devastated, I moved back home; took one class, then quit school for almost 2 years. The size of BYU campus was enormous and overwhelming, so I didn't even entertain the idea of going back there. But I went to UVU the summer of 2013. I hate UVU. Even though I now have a degree from there, with a 4.0, I hate UVU. It is a nothing school to me. I don't care if it is the largest -number wise - school in Utah. I don't care if it is on the rise. It is a nothing school. I can't believe that I had to resort to a nothing school. I mean it's already hard enough that I couldn't graduate with a bachelors in 3 years and then go on a mission. It's hard enough that it took me like 7 years post high school to get a freaking 2 year degree when I already had most of a year's worth of credits graduating from high school. It's freaking hard enough that I have to wrestle with the pain of everything that I once saw myself as, and still don't understand why I can't be that, let alone that I have to admit that my degree is from a nothing school.
What's more, is that I got to my doctor's appointment early on Friday afternoon. So I parked my car and went walking around the hospital, which just so happens to be right next to BYU campus. I saw the Wendy's that we would go to during EFY. Then I saw Pita Pit and remembered all of the fun I had there during debate camp. Then some college kids walked past me and my heart sunk to the center of the earth. This is what all of those high school dreams were! Walking to classes, making new friends, walking just off campus to Wendy's or Pita Pit. It hit me like a semi-truck load of bricks that I will NEVER get to have that kind of journey. Ever. What I wouldn't give to be able to walk from class to class. "But Shannon, the stress is terrible." What I wouldn't give to be able to take so many of the classes that I want to take - in one semester! Even just for one semester! "I don't know Shannon, all I do is study, work, and go to class." What I wouldn't give to make friends with people in my major and have those kinds of study groups. Or be able to learn that much about what I love! Or be able to make money, or be able to feel productive! "Alright, fine, I'll switch you!" Oh my goodness! If you even had a clue!!! You would not switch me no matter how much stress you're in, no matter how lazy you think I am. If we could switch shoes for even 20 minutes, I am so sure that you would beg to be back in your hectic life.
What I wouldn't give, not to switch anyone, because I wouldn't wish this on anyone; but what I wouldn't give to have the ability to focus, to read, or study, to walk across campus, to make - and keep - friends, to share thoughts. to be too busy, to have a job, to have a life! (All credits go to Tonya for that last line. :P "Get a job, get a life!")

Let It Be Known!

As I've been discussing the challenges of living with a brain injury to different people today, I have received an immediate urge to shout from the rooftops the extremities that people simply do not understand. It is of critical nature for those supporting someone who experiences brain trauma to seek knowledge in this topic. As is with any difficulty we face in this mortal existence, although magnified, trauma to the brain is something that absolutely cannot be managed alone. While I will never dismiss help from the other side of the veil, there are far too many times that the veil feels a little bit too strong. 

First thing I find I need to reiterate is the deviation magnitude of resources. Any average person wakes up with a jar full of resources. After a bad night's sleep - maybe a pocketful less, but no where close to as low as someone with a traumatic brain injury after the best night's sleep they can possibly get (which is not very great). Then, while it takes average person, say Joe, maybe 3 resources to get up, get ready for the day, grab something to eat and head out the door, it takes someone with a TBI a large handful. Joe then can go to school, work, come home and make dinner, do some homework and then hang out with friends before he goes to sleep and wake up with a full jar of resources again. But getting up,driving, and going to PT can take all of my resources for one day and then some. Life is EXHAUSTING!! 

Additionally I feel very compelled to stress the reality of frontal lobe injury. House MD 5x17 depicts a good example of a frontal lobe injury. The loss of filters and inhibitions is very real and as I watched this episode, I began to more fully understand why all of my friends left me so quickly after the accident. Although, unlike the man in this episode I had absolutely no idea or concept that what I was saying had any affect on anyone. I couldn't see that it was hurting people, and Is couldn't even remember what I had said moments earlier. I legitimately started to tear up when he says that he would rather die than go home and run all of his family and friends away from him. I couldn't comprehend consequences then, but living them now isn't fun. There is another key difference between this man and a brain injury - his deficit could be removed; ours can't. His was an attack, ours is an empty hole. In his case, they took the army away and things got better; for TBI survivors, we have to learn a new pathway around the hole. 

Please, be patient with us as we try to navigate our way through this new life. Help us to grieve the loss of our old selves as much as you need to grieve that same loss. Remember that we are in this together, even when it feels like those of us with traumatic brain injuries are awful. We are dealing with every kind of loss imaginable - loss of abilities, loss of everything we knew, loss of everyone around us, loss of regular environments, loss of daily functions, and loss of self. So yeah, we get angry. We're not actually angry at you; just at all of the changes that took place so suddenly. 

I don't know how many people still check my blog. I don't know how many people this will reach. But I feel these messages need to be made known to the entire world. So, if you are in a position where you might need someone to come and speak for a few minutes, please send me an email or give me a call. If you agree with what I am saying, share it on your social media feed, etc. Please, help me spread the word. Help me inform the world that brain injuries are real, they are tough, but we can make it through with support of others!

Uniquely True

There is something incredibly unique about the true gospel of Christ. Whether it be messages from prophets of old, modern day prophets, voices from members, notes from yourself, conversations, places you visit, etc. there can always be a different, meaningful impact on each individual during each phase in life. I have been blessed to be born in the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, the only complete true church on this Earth. I don't know when exactly I gained a solid testimony, or when I learned to absolutely love the gospel and everything within; but I know I've had a very concrete testimony for a very, very long time.

One of the things that I get most excited about is my music. My music is unlike anyone else's. The vast majority of what is on my music library is produced by LDS artists. Whether it be Beautiful Life by Mercy River, More than Enough by Cherie Call, He Loves Me by Hilary Weeks, or so, so many more, there can be a different meaning at each crossroad you go through. One of the coolest experiences I had with my music was when I taught a lesson in Relief Society on the talk Spiritual Eclipse by Elder Stevenson. I played the song Somebody Else's Shoes (yet for me to put on youtube) by Cherie Call, then I asked what people got from the song and how it applied to a spiritual eclipse. The responses I got were incredible!! They were so different yet so applicable!! Some people picked up certain lines that other people completely missed, while other pieces prompted someone to change something in their lives, it was amazing!! I too, have experienced crazy new applications to songs I've been listening to for more than 10 years!
One of the my greatest blessings is my ability to follow in faith. There was a talk in October 2007 General Conference that has changed my life multiple times over because of this ability. This talk is called O Remember, Remember by President Eyring. When he gave this talk, something spoke to me saying "Shannon, you have to start a Tender Mercies journal, today!" So I did just that. It blessed my life a lot going through the trials of junior high and high school to remember that I was still being cared for, watched over, protected or comforted. And after the accident it has quite literally saved my life. During some of the most challenging times in the psychiatric unit, my mom made a copy of some of the entries and gave them to me. As I was reading them, I was reminded of those things I learned as a young teenager and that Heavenly Father really just might have a plan for this broken body of mine.
I know that my Savior lives. I know that He loves me as much as He loves you (even though I don't often feel that way). I testify of His reality, of His eternal sacrifice, and His matchless love. 

25+ Ways to Pay it Forward

I haven't been doing so great or feeling so well. And my 25th birthday is in less than a week and I'm already hating getting another year older. But I think there is something that you could do to make my birthday a little easier on me. Go forth, shine the light of Christ, and pay it forward. Then let me know what you did and how it made you feel. I've found that service helps me when I'm feeling down and discouraged, so I've made a bunch of "service sticks." These are popsicle sticks that I've written a bunch of ideas on so that I can draw from the jar everyday to help me feel a little better. From these sticks, I'll share all of my ideas with you so that you have plenty of ideas on how to pay it forward. Let me know how things go and thank you for the birthday present!!

·      Give someone a movie package
·      Write someone an anonymous note with things you like about them
·      Volunteer at disabled learning/institute/ seminary/ High School
·      Offer to babysit for free
·      Send dessert to another table
·      Load coins in vending machine
·      Plan a vacation for mom and dad
·      Make someone breakfast/lunch
·      Send a box of muffins/bagels/donuts to workers somewhere
·      See what is needed at the soup kitchen
·      Blankets, jackets, shoes at homeless shelter
·      Organize dinner/potluck
·      Donate crayons and books to hospital for kids
·      Hand out balloons to kids
·      Visit justserve.org
·      Pay for someone’s movie ticket at theater
·      Pay for next person in line at a store
·      Take someone out to lunch
·      Give someone a massage
·      Deliver flowers to [grandparent]’s graves
·      Leave happy notes in library or store books
·      Give someone a $5 gift card
·      Write a letter to an old friend
·      Do yard work for someone
·      Invite someone over for dinner
·      Leave positive sticky notes on desks
·      Clean someone’s [toilets]
·      Write [filipino] kids/orphans
·      Leave head’s up pennies on sidewalks
·      Bring treats to an office
·      Take dinner to someone
·      Go out of your way to give someone a ride
·      Tape popcorn to a redbox machine
·      Make first aid kit for someone
·      Mow someone’s lawn
·      Write unexpected thank you note to someone
·      Throw someone a surprise party
·      Volunteer at animal shelter
·      Make a CD/playlist for someone
·      Invite someone to go on a walk
·      Write friendly messages with chalk
·      Take a treat to someone
·      Write a letter to an old teacher saying thanks
·      Give someone a flower or bouquet
·      Make (fleece) blanket for homeless shelter
·      Deliver a fruit basket to someone
·      Visit an old folks home
·      Play [football] with someone
·      Buy and pot a plant to give to someone
·      Write letters to missionaries with care packages
·      Volunteer in community (ex. Boys and girls club, big brothers/sisters, children’s justice center, CASA)
·      Bring a homeless person food and drink
·      Make a quiet book for kids to give to families or missionaries for their investigators
·      Send a photo in a frame to parents
·      Send someone an uplifiting song
https://www.naturalbeachliving.com/acts-of-kindness/

8 Years - Unapologetically

It has been an interesting, incredible, fascinating, remarkable journey for the last 8 years - or at least that's what I'm told. Most of those 8 years, I don't remember; some of those years, my brain wasn't functioning enough to be a reasonable person - heck, that still happens sometimes. While neurons do not regenerate, my brain is constantly trying to find new albeit longer and harder pathways to do simple things. Even though the regular developmental processing of my brain was inhibited, I had to create new goals, new dreams, and possibly hardest of all: new expectations. I was not, am not ready for that. I still feel like I'm 16 in so many ways. I mourn every day the loss of all of my friends, hopes, plans, dreams, etc. I cannot do the things that I once could do (and for a long time thought that I still could do) but I feel like I should still be able to. I look normal on the outside, for the most part, I act normal and when something happens that isn't normal, I apologize like crazy. It doesn't make sense for these kinds of irregular things to happen to someone who doesn't have a TBI, and ironically my brain doesn't think I have a TBI. For what I have had control of, I've tried to rationalize, explain, justify all sorts of things.
This trip was so wonderful in so many ways. Wherever I was, whether it be in an uber in Taipei, at an orphanage in Bacolod, in the heat of extreme humidity, I was loved and accepted for who I was, despite any character flaws, physical flaws, or cognitive flaws. I didn't have to feel ashamed of any part of me; I was involved in things that I love and no one was questioning me about any of it. I decided it was finally about time to do what I've wanted to for a long time - embrace the compliment I received from Melissa Larsen "You are unapologetically you." I love this! I want to be unapologetic, unashamed, authentic, genuine; me. I've been afraid of offending, looking stupid, being ostracized, etc. But on this trip, I resolved to return to my roots, stop caring about what others think, embrace what makes me happy and be unapologetically who I am.
On my anniversary, I was exhausted. We were in Cebu city so that we could attend a temple, and I had been going so hard for 10 days without much sleep. So while I slept most of the day after we attended the temple, this day didn't seem so grim. It wasn't quite so dark and heavy as it has been in years past. I didn't feel the need to pretend to tell the world that the TBI had no effect on me. I felt like I could adapt with the TBI, do what I needed to do, find happiness where it needed to be found, and feel good in all of it. As much as this day always reminds me of how great my life once was, and how much harder it is now, my 8 year anniversary had a little different perspective. Being in foreign lands, worlds that are FAR less fortunate than ours, places where the gospel of Jesus Christ truly is a miracle, and knowing that I could stand as a witness made my decision to come back a little less painful. Please don't get me wrong, the pain is still there, and still very, very real; but having people look over all of my struggles and simply love who I am, that made all the difference.
P.S. more stories about the Philippines to come!!