It's Not an Excuse

I had quite a few things figured out before my accident, at 16 years old. One of those things was to not care what other people think about me. For the most part, that still exists. But not always... so yesterday I sat and tried to figure out why. After pondering for a little bit, I discovered the heartbreaking truth. 

I do not care what people think about me - if it's something that I can control. My likes and dislikes, my appearance, my opinions, etc are all things that I have control over. These things I couldn't care less if people agree or disagree. The things that I have no control over however, those are the things that really bother me. At first glance, that doesn't make any sense. If you can't change it, why care what other people think? The problem is that everyone else thinks that I can change it. 

"Stop using your TBI as an excuse!" "When are you going to grow up and take actual responsibility?" "The next time you blame your TBI for anything, I'm done." Etc. are all things that I hear far too often. When people say these kinds of things to me, it invalidates all of my attempts to win the fight I am constantly in.  The absolute worst part is, that I place extreme value in accountability. It is very, very important to me that I take responsibility for the actions I do have control over and to work hard at correcting the mistakes I have made. These mistakes include times that the understanding of consequences has eluded me, times the fatigue takes over and the TBI runs the show, times that I lack social filters, among many others. I am not yet the master of the brain injury, but I challenge its dominance more than you could imagine. There are far too many times that "Shannon" loses control. But there are also several symptoms that I have overcome. The discouraging thing is that the vast majority of symptoms I still struggle with are totally invisible. This often causes others to think that I use the TBI as an excuse. Unfortunately, they have no idea how hard I constantly work to defeat the brain injury. 

Do I get bothered when people tease me about something I can't control like my height? Absolutely not. But does it destroy me when people get upset or frustrated over something that is a direct result of the TBI? Without a doubt. It could be because they think that I'm intentionally being a pain, or it could be because of how much I still grieve the damage myself. It could be that I get more frustrated than anyone with the TBI, but at least "most" of the time I know that it's not me (not always though which is even more frustrating). It could be that I so desperately wish that I could control these things. It's not just a reflection on myself that kills me, it's that people associate me with wonderful things, like the church and my family, and I feel like I disrespect them when people view me in a negative way. Please, be patient with me and recognize that I'm never going to use the TBI as a mere excuse and that I am doing the absolute best I can in any and every given moment. Sometimes my best will be better than others, but we are all that way. Take a moment to think about how different life would be if we were less judgmental/critical and saw everyone as doing the best they can. 

Supposed Injustice Makes Sense with an Eternal Superimposition

 Supposed Injustice Makes Sense with an Eternal Superimposition.... what the crap do I mean by that? Well, why do bad things happen to good people? Why do good things happen to bad people? Why do some actions have good consequences while other good things perhaps have bad consequences? This is what I mean by the supposed injustice. However, I call it supposed based on the "eternal superimposition." Okay Shannon, what is an eternal superimposition? A superimposition is when something is laid on top of another to clearly display both images. Therefore, an eternal superimposition would be when your pain, sorrow and heartache in this world is still very visible on the other side, while also being blessed abundantly for those afflictions. 
This "injustice" is something I have struggled with ever since the accident. I was a great person, with great plans for the future and then my life went to hell in a handbasket. I have expressed different philosophies I have come up with over the course of the last 12 years. One such philosophy I expressed at my 2020 birthday devotional. This was the idea that something good or even great must be destroyed to become something better. I found scriptural evidence of this idea earlier this week. Jeremiah 1:10 reads "I have this day set thee…to root out, and to pull down, and to destroy, and to throw down (sound like the destruction? But then it follows saying…) to build, and to plant." Something better could not be created until everything was first destroyed. 
Furthermore, losing things that were so important to you at one time in your life feels like a weakness. Even getting profits of only this world is a weakness. However, God knows what He is doing. In Ether 12:27 -28 it says "I ^bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my ^cgrace is sufficient for all men that ^dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make ^eweak things become strong unto them. Behold… I will show unto them that ^afaith, hope and charity bringeth unto me—the fountain of all ^brighteousness.” The righteousness in humbling oneself to the Lord provides an eternal perspective in this life. The eternal perspective helps us to feel at peace and endure the hard things with an understanding heart. Furthermore, we receive the ultimate joy in the hereafter, as verse 37 continues “And because thou hast seen thy ^bweakness thou shalt be made strong, even unto the sitting down in the place which I have prepared in the mansions of my Father.”  Since our weakness, challenges, hardships make us more reliant on the Savior, and draw us closer to Him, perhaps this realization gives us a more positive understanding of how they can bless our lives, not destroy them. 
While we only see things from a finite, mortal point of view, things are unjust. However, with that "eternal superimposition" all things are made more infinite and abundantly joyful than we can even fathom. 

Agape

The love that I have for others is out of this world. I love easily, whole-heartedly, unconditionally and forever. In Greek there are 8 words for different types of love. My default love is agape. (I'll talk about all the different kinds of love on a podcast episode!!) Agape is Christlike love, charity, for all our brothers and sisters throughout the world. Agape is selfless and unconditional. As I interact with people, I gain other forms of love as well, most commonly philia. Philia is commonly referred to as "brotherly love," or the bond between two great friends. The love I have for people I grow close to is deep and penetrates the soul. Growing up, I thought that everyone loved the same way I do. It wasn't until after the accident that I learned how wrong I was. 

Because of my love, I forgive very easily and quickly. Because of this love, I still mourn for all of my "friends" who left me even after some were excruciatingly mean. Because of this love, I want everyone to know that they can always count on me. I hope for goodness for everyone - and it pains me more than anything when I can't even know how someone is doing. I cannot explain how much it would mean to me if anyone of the people I used to know would just send me a message or call me and give me a small life update. I don't even need to see you or become a part of your life again, I just have an immense amount of love and wishing for your wellbeing. (I really don't know how to make that make sense.) 

When I get blocked from yet another life, it feels like a rejection of love. Not only their love for me, but mine for them. Unfortunately, my love canNOT turn off. This is not merely painful, but it also damages healing within the body. Connection is vital to healing, which is exacerbated by a brain injury, which is also exacerbated by the deep agape, extrovert personality that I embody. So please, accept my pleas for forgiveness and connection once more. Please, reach out and just tell me how you are. I love you, all of you (even those I don't know), in a very unique, unconditional kind of way. 

12th Anniversary and Surgery #10

I apologize for not updating sooner. The anniversary of my accident is a significant day every year. It feels as though a wave of change, uncertainty, heartache, devastation and loss rushes through my body repeatedly on the 12th of May. This year was especially bad though because the intense nightmares, anxiety and other forms of PTSD did not stop for over a month - until I got surgery. 

While I rarely get sleep anyway, anytime I fell asleep, AT ALL, I would immediately enter into REM stage (the dreaming stage) of sleep and nightmares would thrash. Therefore, I never got to sleep for very long. I felt extremely irritable and was always frustrated with the people I love the most. 

But, on June 8th, I finally was able to go in for my 10th surgery. Honestly, I was so excited for this surgery. But less because of the actual procedure and more for the experience. From my previous surgeries, I had associated surgery with anesthesia, being cared for all the time by nurses in the hospital, having persistent intense pain killers, no expectations for when you'd "be better," etc. Unfortunately, this was not the case at all.

Surgery #10 was to go in and actually lift my eyebrows so that I could see. My eyebrows were so low that it was impeding my vision. Apparently, I had also exercised those eyebrows to the point where the technician said that my eyebrows were really strong. LoL 

The surgeon that we had talked to only about 6 weeks prior was incredible. I had talked to many different doctors about how troublesome my eyes were, but they were all dismissive. This is why a 10th surgery may seem out of the blue for those close to me. I've had this issue for years, but no one ever thought it was a real issue until we met this doctor who specializes in eye reconstructive surgeries of a few different types. He had expressed knowledge of the same issues/frustrations that I experience when we met with him the first time. He also said that taking any tissue from my eyelids would only make the problem worse. (Couldn't agree more!) So, when I learned of incisions made on my eyelids, I was devastated, thinking for a time that he forgot who I was and the surgery he was supposed to be preforming. However, I came to learn that when they went in to lift the brows, they learned that the levator aponuerosis - the tendon that lifts your eyelids was not attached. So, they decided to make a second incision to be able to attach it. 

 

Overall, I still can't say much about the surgery because I'm still very much healing. It is quite amazing to see my eyes though. And I look so awake!! Like day after surgery, I get up to pee, look in the mirror and I say to myself, "what? I am not that awake!!" Nightmares thank heavens went away, but they were replaced by agonizing pain that prevented me from being able to fall asleep. That was the case from probably 2 days after the surgery to about 6 or 7 days. I still struggle with all of the normal stuff, but at least I'm not having nightmares or post-traumatic triggers on an hourly basis. 

(p.s. I know this post is not written as well as most of my others, sorry!)

Depression and Anxiety Are So, So Real

 Depression was on the rise in people aged 10-24 by 56% from 2007 to 2018. Since the pandemic, "research" says that depression has risen 3 times to 1 in every 3 adults, albeit no one is telling the truth when it comes to coronavirus. Underestimating, there are 3,703 suicide attempts A DAY in high school students alone. This means that there is a serious problem that goes extremely unnoticed and is highly misunderstood. 

First things first, anxiety is often paired with depression. It is absolutely normal to feel anxious or sad from time to time, but chronic, systemic depression and anxiety is something that should be addressed ASAP. Especially because this kind of depression and/or anxiety has a physical effect on the brain. Despite my desire to go into the details, I won't, that will be in my upcoming podcast if you are interested. 

There are multiple causes for depression and anxiety; these could be situational (i.e. being isolated, house-bound, locked out of school and favorite activities for the last 2.5 years, or a brain injury and all the PTSD or PTRD associated), they could be purely chemical (anxiety is often triggered by thyroid conditions, and depression is commonly caused by imbalance of serotonin, dopamine, and/or norepinephrine, and it's another thing I have experienced, especially in the last few weeks), genetics or heredity, and are things that affect the self-esteem, such as: peer problems, obesity, long-term bullying, academic problems, the pandemic, etc. These feelings are frequently irrational, and often cannot be dealt with logic.

So, what can we do? If you know someone who is struggling with these things you can do, or if you are struggling, you can reach out to a friend and ask for these things. (That link is actually really important to go to). It is important to see a professional as well. I encourage both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. A psychiatrist will help with medications and a psychologist will help you talk through things, sort things out, and come to realizations and breakthroughs. If you are opposed to prescription medications, see a wholistic doctor, and more importantly, research supplements and what you may need. It is quite frustrating how long these chemicals take to rebalance themselves, and some of the brain damage may not recover until after the depression/anxiety goes away. As for the self-esteem, this one can be trickier at times. Seek people who love you to reassure you that you are worth it, that your flaws do NOT outweigh your wonderful qualities. One of those people is the Savior, and the Almighty Father, God. Please pray to Them frequently, asking with a sincere request to help you see yourself as they see you. If you know a priesthood holder of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, ask for a priesthood blessing to be able to do so. They love you so much, they know of your infinite and eternal worth and the things you do are in no way associated with that worth. I testify of that truth, even when I don't feel it, I know it is there. 

Forgiveness

 Sometimes one of the hardest things is forgiveness. Often times we think that the person that hurt us will suffer as long as we hold on to the pain that they inflicted upon us. I testify that it absolutely does not hurt them, it only hurts you. It is at times the absolute hardest thing to let that pain go; especially when it has caused you trauma for the rest of your life. There are people who you may have to forgive every single day, just as the Amish people did when a man killed all of their children in Amish Grace. Forgiveness is not always easy, and this is when you have to pray and ask the Lord for help to forgive. One of the best ways I have found to do this is to ask Heavenly Father to increase your love for them, your understanding of their situation, and open your heart to a more eternal perspective, to have the faith that He will take care of it in the end. 

Forgiveness is NOT condoning their actions. Forgiveness is NOT dismissing the pain that you feel, or invalidating the heartache they may have caused. Forgiveness is the most wonderful gift, that frees us and liberates our soul when we have been wounded by someone else's actions. Forgiveness IS rather giving the pain to the Savior, who has already felt our pain, who knows the perfect justice required. Forgiveness is not for the other person, in fact, it actually has absolutely zero effect on them, but 100% percent effect on you. Forgiveness allows you to move forward, not necessarily move on, but move forward. 

You may chose to continue to grow the relationship and let it flourish, or you may chose to distance yourself. It may not be a choice that you get to make. It is one of the hardest things for me to not have a say in that one. Complete forgiveness has taken a long time for me to learn, and with some situations, it still takes a long time. 

Forgiveness is about looking towards the future and trusting that God has something greater in the future than in your past. That one is really difficult for me, as I wish that all of my old friends to know that I have fully forgiven them and I hope that they can fully forgive me and that we can resume our relationship. I have so many scars when it comes to relationships that it is really hard for me to make friends now so I don't know how God can create something better in that arena. I have to have faith, even when faith is so challenging. 

I have such a strong testimony in the power of forgiveness. I would be in constant agony if I was unable to call upon the Lord and ask Him to help me have greater capacity to see His children as He does, and forgive their actions. I am so grateful for His love, His forgiveness and the strength He provides someone like me. I encourage you all to seek forgiveness for those who have hurt you. Try to move forward, even when the pain continues to come, as it will. Love the Lord, and through Him, love His children,

Neurotransmitters

 The brain and neurotransmitters are things I get so excited about and love talking endlessly. I will do my best not to do that and to explain in simpler terms what I am trying to get across. Please ask questions though, I absolutely LOVE answering questions. Additionally, the lack of comments on my posts for a long time is discouraging. I am working on creating a podcast that I will have done by the end of this year. In this podcast I will be explaining things in greater detail. I have learned so much from my experiences, the things that affect me, and my love to learn. To the point...

Neurotransmitters are essentially chemicals that transfer from one neuron (brain cell) to another. We need them to function, survive, and thrive! There are 6 main neurotransmitters: acetylcholine, dopamine, GABA, glutamate, norepinephrine, and serotonin. In order to function like a normal human being, they need to be properly balanced, regulated in the most beautiful way. When they are in sync, you can feel alive, and thrilled to be on the Earth, with a body! Unfortunately for me, and most people in the world, our neurotransmitters are way out of wack. Additionally, there can be plenty of problems if any part of the connection between the two neurons is damaged. In my accident, a LOT of those connections were damaged. Finally, there are 3 things needed to keep neurotransmitters alive and active: oxygen, nutrients and stimulation. 

Acetylcholine is the most underappreciated neurotransmitter. Yet it is responsible for so much. Acetylcholine is extremely present in memory and cognition. Acetylcholine aids in creativity, comprehension, recognition, spatial awareness, learning, logic, reason, calculation, and overall mental responsiveness. Most brain injured survivors suffer a great loss of acetylcholine, especially at first. 

Dopamine is the "reward" neurotransmitter. Dopamine increases your awareness and concern for others. Dopamine gives you satisfaction for a job completed. Dopamine stimulates motivation and initiation. A lack of dopamine causes an easily set off temper, a desire to isolate, and feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. I think you all know I have experienced a great loss of dopamine as well. 

GABA is the only inhibitory neurotransmitter. Aka, it's the only neurotransmitter that calms the nervous system and can help us in moments of high stress or pressure. GABA is tightly associated with glutamate, which is the main excitatory neurotransmitter. A lack of GABA leads to a lot of irrational anxiety and panic, feelings of dread, being overwhelmed for no reason, a restless mind, disorganized attention and the inability to turn off your mind when trying to relax. Does this not explain me or what? If you feel any of these things, DO NOT BUY the supplement GABA. GABA is too big to cross the blood brain barrier (something that protects the brain from harmful chemicals). There are agonists (things that support production) that are helpful, but GABA in and of itself is worthless. 

Glutamate, like I mentioned above, is the main excitatory neurotransmitter. Glutamate assists acetylcholine in creating memory and learning pathways. Glutamate also plays a key role in development in the young brain. Finally, as luck would have it, glutamate plays a key role in the repair work of the brain. 

Norepinephrine is most commonly paired with epinephrine. These are the adrenaline neurotransmitters that rush into action when you're in trouble. Norepinephrine is found most abundantly in mammals. Norepinephrine works within your blood vessels and has a great deal to do with the rate and force of the contraction of your heart. It also aids in skeletal muscles. Finally, the most frustrating part of norepinephrine is that it works when you are in the "fight or flight" mode. Unfortunately for people with PTSD, that is almost always. 

Serotonin is the "feel good" neurotransmitter. Serotonin helps to maintain a homeostasis of emotions, regulating mood and aggression, appetite, respiration and the perception of pain. Serotonin allows you to feel joy in the little things (and the big things), such as favorite foods, hobbies/interests, favorite activities, favorite foods, friendships and other relationships. What's more is serotonin plays a big role in the production of melatonin and overall sleep. I rarely get good sleep. :)

To conclude, neurotransmitters are a vital part of life. When the production or reception of these neurotransmitters get disrupted, it can cause a great deal of anguish. If you feel like there is absence of any of these, talk to a doctor or try out some supplements. (But be sure to get supplements that will work, not GABA, try talking to me...) 

Antifragility

Probably the most significant matter I’ve learned over the last 11+ years has taken me at least 10 years to even begin to comprehend. I thought I knew before (the accident) that God is in every detail of our lives, I thought I knew that He makes us into the people that we are truly meant to become; but now I know that I had only touched the surface.
Something I’ve been able to articulate over the past week in Come Follow Me study and experienced for almost half of my life is that God does not let our suffering go to waste. He does not necessarily cause certain things to happen, but He knows that they will, and He puts the perfect people in the right place at the right time so that they have the opportunity to reach their potential.
Good things don’t always happen to good people. Sometimes really crappy things happen to good people and amazing things happen to bad people. It is often doubted, “how could an ever-loving God treat His people this way?” Let me answer that question in a seemingly controversial manner, “because God loves us.” We are meant to be antifragile.
What does antifragile mean? Antifragility is something that gets stronger when broken, damaged, or afflicted. Like muscles, they grow stronger as we tear their fibers apart exercising them. However, (as I intimately learned from being in a coma for 2 weeks) if we don’t use them, they grow so weak as to become essentially useless. People who seem to have everything may appear happy on the surface, but when looked at privately, they are never satisfied nor happy. Nevertheless, those in extremely impoverished nations are some of the happiest people in the world. While it doesn’t seem to make sense, we are created to be antifragile.
Trust me, if anyone knows the challenges of God appearing to not hear your pleas, it’s me. In “ancient” texts, you can also read about people who put their complete and total faith in the Lord and made it through, even if not in this life, such as Joseph Smith, Joseph of Egypt, Job, Christ himself, etc. They were all amazing people who struggled with enormous trials, because it made them antifragile in the best possible way. It has turned my tabernacle into a temple, it changed my mindset into “Why EXACTLY Me,” I have learned the things that matter the most, particularly the Prince of Peace.

Are You Freaking Serious?

I have had to remove myself from this situation a number of times so that I could write this post without so much anger. But, as you can tell from the title, what I am going to write creates a lot of irritation within my bones.

People, who often have good intentions, make some of the most insulting comments to me and others who invisibly struggle. “Stop blaming everything on the TBI.” “If you actually put some effort into wanting to get better, you’d be leaps and bounds ahead of where you are now.” “You really milk the TBI for all that you possibly can.” “You’re just being lazy.” “You can’t keep blaming all of your mistakes or poor judgements on the TBI.” “If you refocused your dreams and desires, then you’d be fine.” “Why can’t you just be happy? I do everything I can to help you!” etc. etc. etc.
The most frustrating thing is that I hear these phrases so, so, so very often. Even worse is that they come from people who spend a lot of time with me. Sometimes it comes from a forgetfulness of the challenges I struggle with because they are so “invisible.” Other times it is because of sheer ignorance, or people who simply will not accept that anything is difficult for me. It is especially difficult because I struggle with those exact feelings CONSTANTLY. My brain is in constant battle – one part telling myself that I should be able to do more than I am doing and the other expressing complete and total exhaustion. So please don’t add fuel to the fire. On a personal note, inside of myself, I have so much passion, such a burning fire and drive to do so much more than what is humanly possible – even for someone without a TBI.
 To bring this home across people other than those struggling with a TBI, you NEVER know what someone else is struggling with. It is easy to see the struggles of those confined to a wheelchair, or someone that you know just lost a loved one. But you probably don't know the conflicts going on inside of their head every day. You don't know the fatigue - physical or cognitive - that they may be facing. Please, see others with kindness and understand that you don't know what their struggle is. 

For the ONE

The most common response I receive when I ask someone if they have read my latest blog post is "Oh, are you still keeping that up?" The answer is yes; albeit not for the initial intended purposes. That kind of response can be painful, especially in a trauma-self-absorbed mindset. But as I was writing/pondering recently, I came to discover the real reason I continue to post. I am one who's body, autonomy, voice, choice, etc. are misunderstood, get overlooked, or are bypassed far too often. Because of all that I have been through, people often discount my take on the world. There are many individuals who are never able to find their truth, who never can voice their opinion, and/or they feel all alone. Because I have been given the gifts to be extremely self-aware, to be able to articulate my feelings, to be able to have compassion and relate to so many others, I want to do everything I can to ensure others are emotionally, psychologically, socially, spiritually, and intellectually fortified against whatever life may have in store for them. 

So, I share my personal insights because I feel they could relate to other people. I share the wisdom I have gained from experience so that hopefully you won't have to (experience). I get vulnerable because I believe that is the only way we can truly be honest. I share my private thoughts because I know that I’m not the only one who struggles with them. I express how the Lord is always in my life to share that if He can be in mine, He sure as heck is in yours. While I know that I don’t often do a good job of relating my experiences to yours, I hope you can feel that I do relate. And while I would like to help as many people as possible, it is more important to greatly benefit the ONE. As Dr. Suess has said, "To the world you may be one person; but to one person you may be the world.”

Why EXACTLY me

    I idolize the person I was before the accident. So it's quite jarring when I come across an old old journal entry that says something like, "I think I'll always struggle with abandonment issues from [this one things that happened my sophomore year of high school.]" What? Could I have really had abandonment issues before the accident? As I take a hard look back at my past, I realize, 'yes, not anything like I deal with now but, yeah.'

    But even during all of those hard, terrible times, pre-accident, I always thought, "why NOT me?" rather than "why me?" I was grateful these things happened to me instead of someone who would lose their faith, wouldn't stay strong, would simply give into temptation, etc. That was my mindset with every trial or struggle I had, and there actually were plenty of them, albeit I look past it most of the time. That is, until the accident. When my accident happened, it was too much, I couldn't stay strong. I was so angry with God for awhile. Absolutely NOTHING felt good, peaceful, or even just kind of okay. 

    Needless to say, when your brain changes so does EVERYTHING around you. Despite what I thought initially, internally things changed as well. This includes both strengths and weaknesses. But as of late, I've begun to start the thinking process that maybe, just maybe, it was EXACTLY because of said weaknesses and strengths - whether they flipped or enhanced- that God needed ME, specifically ME to serve His children in this way. Let me explain. 

    Some of the strengths I had before the accident that are benefitting me now, even if they took a while to come back are: my incredible faith, my enormous amount of love for all people, my love for Jesus Christ, his gospel, and especially the wonderful music that His saints create, my desire to reach out to children, my sympathy/empathy, my inclusive nature, my desire to always be a missionary (although I still struggle with the proselyting part of that one), etc.

    Some of the strengths that have turned very, very weak and are now incredibly painful however are things like: my zest for life and always looking forward to the next step in life, while still loving every second of the present, I was such an extrovert, with the most amazing social skills, I could learn everything so quickly and my beautiful brain would retain the information, not only academically or socially but also (many things) physically, spiritually, musically, etc.

    It seemed like all of the weaknesses I can remember have only gotten worse. Things such as: insomnia, inability to pick favorites, concept of eternity, (as previously mentioned) abandonment, anxiety, perfectionism, needing at least one person to absolutely ADORE me, my need to ALWAYS be needing to be doing something- I have copies of schedules I'd make with plans to the minute. 

    All of that can be quite discouraging, especially when looked at from only a finite, mortal view. But if you go back up to the strengths that have increased, each and every one of them, in one way or another, leads you towards an eternal mindset. God NEEDED someone like ME, with THOSE strengths to give this kind of nasty trial to. As for my weaknesses- the ones that have only been enhanced- well, on the one hand I say, 'thank goodness I at least had some sort of grasp on what to do with these things before the accident'. On the other hand, I think, "wow, these things make those strengths all the more necessary!" I've learned how to have faith and put complete trust in the Lord with the things I cannot control. My empathy is out of this freaking world because I have been through so much. Even the strengths that have become weaknesses, I must exercise faith in things I cannot understand. 

    All of this to say that my mindset went from "why not me?" to "why me?" and is starting to go to, "this is why it is EXACTLY me." So, if like me you struggle with the fact that your life is legitimately HARD, do your best to wait patiently, trust the Lord, and try to discover why YOU were chosen for this hardship.  Let God Prevail!!!

Brain Injury Awareness 2022

This year I'm going to do Brain Injury Awareness month a little bit differently. While I encourage you to read up on what a traumatic brain injury is from earlier posts, and also to visit all of March last year for more information, this year I'm going to talk about things I have learned from having this injury. Things I have learned about the debilitating disability itself, as well as the miracles that have come out of it; the wonderful lessons I have learned about who I am, and the great sacrifice we all made to come to the Earth, especially at this time. 

It is still something very hard for me to say that I am grateful for the injury. I think to the past often with great sadness, longing, and desire for a do-over. I weep at the friendships, skills and knowledge I have lost. I continue to grieve the literal loss of myself. I have so many pains and struggles that have become so normal to me that it amazes me that other people don't have to deal with all the crap I do. Yet I still feel terrible, insignificant, and worthless that I can't seem to achieve temporal achievements like I once could, and everyone else can. I struggle to know whether or not I should be ambiguous and vague when a first date asks me where I work or if I should straight up tell them about the TBI. My heart aches over the loss of all that I have lost, or missed out on, but most especially relationships. I have so much love in my heart for each and every person I ever meet. 

However, all of that is not to say that I have not found strength when I've needed it most. That is not to say that I have not found peace and comfort in the amazing gift of the Holy Ghost. That is not to say that I have not been blessed with the most amazing family, gift of my knowledge of the true gospel, my love for learning, the love I have for service, my intellect, and yes, even my great love. I have been blessed with some of the most amazing opportunities, like going to the Philippines, meeting the most adorable children, being able to serve, having some amazing therapists, and once again, having a family beyond words. This road has not been easy. There are so many things that are bittersweet, but mostly bitter, at least right now. But I'm excited to share some of the things I've learned. 

HOLY COW, Thank You!!

There are so many things I have a great desire to write, to post, to update, to inform and to express to those of you who read my blog. However, a terribly busy, traumatized brain makes things like that really, freaking difficult. I felt I absolutely needed to post my current feelings as I'm reading through posts when I was in the hospital right after my accident. 

I have been bruised, hurt, abused, abandoned, betrayed in ways that absolutely no one can understand. A short while back, all of the pain resurfaced and I had to experience that kind of anguish, hopelessness and loneliness again. I can testify that without the healing balm of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, there is absolutely, without a doubt, NO WAY I could've survived it - especially for as long as it lasted. I do not mean to say that my life is easy, by ANY stretch of the imagination. But rather that the pain I endured for the first few years was one that my mortal body was not capable of surviving. Please don't mistake what I am saying however. It is still EXTREMELY, UNBEARABLY difficult at times, but I've learned to cope with the pain and struggles I face now. I see things on a much more eternal perspective, and things are not AS PAINFUL ALL of the time. 

So, recently, as I have gone back and read through some of those first blog posts; the posts in which I still had the love from all of my peers and associates, I've been floored. I have not ever been able to feel this way before, which is why I think it's important to make note of this. I am ever so grateful to all of the friends and family who were here for me and my family when I was not able to be. I am still (of course) in complete agony regarding all the people I lost. But today, I am able to say THANK YOU. Thank you for being there and caring when I really needed it. Thank you for supporting my family when I couldn't and they needed it most. Thank you for supporting me in any and every way you could. Thank you for being a part of my life, a part of who I am. Thank you for showing me that I have a unique, special influence on those around me. I do not feel that now, especially since 99% of the peers who were following the blog at the time have since blocked me. But I am grateful for the impact that you let me have in your life while I was in it. It pains me more than you'll ever know that I'm no longer part of it, but thank you for letting me be with you, for letting me see you in your times of need. My biggest struggles are still that of a social nature, especially because of all of the abandonment. Yet, the Lord has allowed me to see just a segment of forever in ways that I love each of you.