Age Discrepancies

 I was 16 years old when my accident happened. Parts of my life (like my biological age) continued naturally. Other parts of my life froze at 16; still other parts reset completely. This warped development has left me with different ages and unrealistic expectations. These unrealistic expectations caused me to create the "Riley persona," hoping to defend the person I was before the accident. 

Common among individuals with severe traumatic brain injury is the anomaly of getting “stuck” at the age of their accident. Although I am biologically 27, I am in many ways still 16. My "norms" - things I think should happen (e.g., friendships, thoughts, self-perceptions, etc.) all remain at 16. I feel 16. And I even look 16 - at least to strangers. I want to be buddies with people who are 16. I can't do the 'adulting' thing very well because "I'm still 16." Case in point: I have a hard time spending my own money. I can't do it. I can save, I can budget, but I cannot spend it. I still feel like a dependent 16 year old. As a 16 year old though, I still want some independence, so I like living in my own place. But, I also spend A LOT of time with my parents, daily. Frozen at 16 makes things all the more difficult when I see people my biological age or younger go on missions, graduate, get married and have lots of kids. Like, what? How is it possible for everyone else to grow up? Especially when I can't?  Why are all of my dreams still as if I was still in high school?  Why can't I just move on??

My biological age is 27, and with that has come 27 years of life experience. Additionally, those 27 years of life experience have included roller coasters that even a 90-year-old may never experience. I have traveled many, many miles emotionally, physically (i.e., rehabilitation), spiritually, cognitively, and socially. I don't know of a single 27-year-old that has gone through as much as I have experienced. Even before the accident, I had a clearer idea of the world, having 2 sisters with disabilities and many other challenges as I grew up. All of those who know me know that I'm 27 as well so when I do things that are more of a 16 year old, that's not okay. Or even worse, is when I do things as if everything I knew had to restart after my accident.

Oh, wait, that IS what happened! But so much of me is normal. So much of me is back to the way it used to be, or even more advanced. But... some aspects of my life did, in fact reset after my accident. I had to relearn activities of daily living. But the hardest part of all is that socially, my brain restarted. When it comes to social skills, I am currently *maybe* 11 years old. I don’t understand many social cues. I don’t have a large number of social filters. This is yet an additional reason I feel weird around people who are my biological age (because in more than one way I am not 27). It is kind of like what I was trying to process in this post back in January of 2019. I hope that this makes sense, especially to all of the people who I have hurt or offended in the past due to my social deficit.

16, 27, 11…I am living in multiple ages; trying to maintain my adulting responsibilities. Even when my brain cannot handle it, so therefore, it is exhausting.